One day my friends are telling their boyfriends/girlfriends “I love you”, and the next day, I am comforting them with a box of Girl Scout Thin Mints; the same guy/girl my friend said “I love you” to, broke up with them and is now a “loser”. Who ever thought that three simple words, I love you, would be so confusing? Expressing commitment is critical for establishing and maintaining a romantic relationship because there are physical and emotional benefits to being in a committed relationship (Baumeister & Vohs, 2004).
After skimming an article in this month’s issue of Cosmopolitan magazine (March 2011) , on why women say “I love you” in romantic relationships, I started to think about how men and women communicate differently in romantic relationships. Do men or women say “I love you” first in romantic relationships? Although I lack experience in the romantic relationship department, based on my undergraduate career largely grounded in psychology, it is apparent that men and women communicate their emotions differently. Since women are more emotionally expressive than men (Pines, 1998), then I predict that women say “I love you” first in a romantic relationship.
A recent study conducted by Ackerman, Griskevicius, and Li (2011) examined how men and women communicate commitment in romantic relationships. The researchers performed six experiments to answer two questions, who initially says “I love you” in a romantic relationship, men or women (studies 1-3)? And, how do men and women react to confessions of love (studies 4-6)? Although women are stereotypically associated with having stronger feelings of love then men, the study revealed men confess their love first in romantic relationships. In fact, men reported thinking about confessing their love 6 weeks earlier than did women. It is apparent that people's stereotypical beliefs can influence inaccurate judgments about a blossoming romantic relationship.
What explains this irony between people’s expectations and reality? According to the evolutionary-economics perspective on romantic commitment, men are likely to confess love first in relationships because they have a stronger desire to motivate early sexual activity (Ackerman et al., 2011). Women are choosier at picking a mate because women biologically use more resources than men on pregnancy and raising offspring. The costs and benefits associated with sexual activity suggest that men will be more interested in seeking sexual access at the beginning of a relationship.
If you are thinking about taking the “next step” in your relationship or you are in a long-term relationship consider this, hearing and saying “I love you” has different meanings depending on who is saying it and when it is being said. Ackerman et al. (2011) explored men’s and women’s levels of happiness from being told “I love you” prior to sexual intercourse and after sexual intercourse. Surprisingly, when people were told “I love you” prior to sexual intercourse, men felt more positive than women did. After sexual intercourse, women felt as happy or slightly happier than men did. I expected women to react more positively than men to a post-sex confession of love because expressing commitment can be emotionally reassuring. However, since sexual activity is associated with high costs of female resources, then women are cautious of sexual relations (Ackerman & Kenrick, 2009).
People have different reactions to hearing “I love you” depending on their romantic goals. men who are interested in short-term romance should be happy about a pre-sex confession of love because they will perceive the expression as a signal of sexual opportunity. However if a man is interested in long-term commitment, then he should feel happy about a post-sex confession because there is the potential for long-term romantic relationship. If a woman is interested in long-term commitment, then she should feel happy about a pre-sex confession because it signals the potential of a long-term romantic relationship (Ackerman et al., 2011).
What happens when romantic goals clash? If a woman is interested in long-term commitment starts dating a man, who is interested in a short-term relationship, then saying “I love you” can send mixed messages. When the man says “I love you” he may be signaling sexual interest, but the woman may interpret his confession as a commitment to a long-term relationship. Conflict in romantic goals can lead to disappointment and an unsuccessful romantic relationship. Addressing the evolutionary-economics of romantic relationships will help people to better understand the meanings, intentions, and faults associated with communicating romantic (and non-romantic) commitment, and will improve the quality of others’ relationships.
In the future, research should explore the role religion has on communicating commitment in romantic relationships. The current study did not address religious beliefs. It would be fascinating to assess how people’s religious values influence their attitudes on love confessions and sexual activity. This study focused on gender and time as factors of communication and commitment. It would be interesting to investigate cross-cultural differences in communication and mating strategies.
Melissa Zimmerman
Ackerman, J. M., Griskevicius, V., & Li, N.P. (2011). Let’s get serious: Communicating commitment in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Advanced online publication. doi:10.1037/a0022412.
Saying "I Love You" means a lot to me. I wouldn't say it to anyone unless I feel emotionally attached to a guy. Certainly, I don't easily believe when a guy tells me that he loves me. He has to know me first and has to do something extraordinary that will make me fall for him.
ReplyDelete