The Role of Parents in Child's Romantic Relationships

           As my time at F&M comes to a close, I find myself looking back and reflecting on how much I have grown in the past four years. Without trying to sound too corny, I realize the important role my parents have played throughout my life, although this was not always appreciated by me, especially in my teenage years, and how our relationship has shaped the choices I have made in college, specifically my romantic choices. This led me to do research on how parent-child relationships affect romantic attachment as a young adult.

            Since Bowlby’s work in 1969, attachment styles or emotional connections between child and parent have been a hot topic in the field of psychology. Research has found evidence of the importance of healthy, secure attachment relationships between child and parent on the child’s life. Recently, research went further to examine how the quality of parent relationships during adolescence influence later romantic attachment styles and quality of romantic interactions in early adulthood. Researchers found that positive parent-child interactions around the ages of 15 and 16 years old predicted secure romantic attachment at age 25. Secure romantic attachment included the ability and desire to maintain close and intimate relationships.

            This finding implies that parents have a tremendous influence on their child’s life even after the child has left the house to go out into the world. The relationship between child and parent in youth and adolescence creates a foundation for the child. It is crucial to establish this relationship during this time because parental influence decreases as the child enters adulthood. In addition, research has found that positive romantic interactions at age 25 contributed to healthy attachment at age 27. This fact places even more emphasis on healthy relationships between child and parent because a positive relationship will lead to strong romantic relationships, which will help the child develop a secure romantic attachment in general. For example, research has suggested that poor marital adjustment is associated with earlier difficulties in relationships with parents. Poor romantic relationships lead to the development of an insecure or negative attachment style, which may create a pattern for entering into bad romantic relationships.

            So parents, if you would like to see your child or teenager in a great romantic relationship in the future, then it is time to start building a positive, healthy relationship with your child. Communication will be key to building this relationship – you both need to understand where the other is coming from. Every child is different so understanding his or her differences and special quirks will be beneficial. Adolescence is a difficult time with plenty of development and inner struggles, not to mention a surge of hormones racing through the body. Teens will try your patience, but love and understanding will go a long way in trying to battle through this time. However, structure and guidance will still play an important role in teaching teens about decision-making and relationships.

            Not only are healthy parent-child relationships beneficial for the child’s future romantic relationships, but it will also make life more pleasant for both sides if you enjoy one another in life. However, even the best relationships will have their moments. My mother’s new favorite phrase now is “you were a great kid but I sure do love having adult children”. So next time your child asks why you have to bond and talk about life together, simply tell her that you are saving her from a life of bad boyfriends.

            ~ Ellen Fonte

Dinero, R. E., Conger, R. D., Shaver, P. R., Widaman, K. F., & Larsen-Rife, D. (2011). Influence of family of origin and adult romantic partners on romantic attachment security. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 1, 16-30.