If at first you don’t succeed try try again. There are always more fish in the sea. These are two common phrases that are usually
associated with failure of some type.
One area in which we are particularly susceptible to disappointment is
in social relationships. It is not often
that one marries the first person they ask on a date, more likely than not one
will have many failed relationships throughout life. As psychologists we are interested in how rejection
affects the social and psychological processes of people who go through
rejection. Kavanagh, Robins, and Ellis
looked into how rejection might lead to changes in social motivation. They posited that we tend to base our social
aspirations based on the likelihood that we fulfill these aspirations. As such, past experiences of failure and
success lead to changes of the likelihood of success for any given
aspiration. For instance, if a student
is taking organic chemistry and they fail most of the tests managing a final
grade of a D- than they are less likely to take organic chemistry II because
their past experience has informed them that they are not likely to succeed. Conversely, if that student had done very
well in organic chemistry than they are likely to continue onto organic
chemistry II and believe that they will do well. The
researchers applied this way of thinking about potential success to perspective
romantic relationships.
Participants
in the first study were asked to talk to three other participants and answer
personal questions that would presumably be used to match the participant with
another person through a dating service.
The interviewers were not actually participants but researchers who were
playing the part of the participant.
These researchers gave the participant fake feedback that was either
positive or negative regarding the interview questions. Some of the feedback questions were, “Would
you want to continue a conversation with this person? Or would you want to introduce
this person to a friend?” These false
feedback questions served to manipulate the participant’s self-esteem and their
perceived likelihood of succeeding in future social endeavors. Finally, participants were asked to scroll
through profiles of potential romantic interests on a dating site. The profiles were manipulated in their social
and physical desirability. The
participants rated the profiles on several 7 scale questions regarding how
interested they would be in that person and how interested that person would be
in them. The researchers found some
interesting results from this study.
First
self-esteem was greatly affected by the feedback from the participants. Rejected participates had significant
decreases in self-esteem, this decrease was greater in women than men. For male participants acceptance also lead to
a decreases in self-esteem but this decrease was minor in comparison to the
rejection condition. Women experienced
an increase in self-esteem following acceptance. More interesting though was that participants
who were accepted believed that they would make a good match with the highly
attractive profiles while the rejected participants believed they would be the
best match for the less attractive profiles.
A second study found further support for this trend.
The
second study replicated the results of the first study with a more personal
form of acceptance or rejection. Participants
again answered interview questions and received feedback, but instead of
talking over an intercom were presented with a “live video chat”, the chat was
actually a pre-recorded DVD. Following
the positive or negative feedback participants again recorded self-esteem and
completed the same interest task as in the first study. Rejection again lead to a decrease in
self-esteem and lead to matching with less attractive profiles while acceptance
increased self-esteem and lead to matching with higher attraction
profiles. So what do these findings
mean and why should I care?
We all
face rejection on a regular basis.
Understanding how rejection may affect our behavioral processes is then
very important. It is not likely that
one will always be successful in seeking companionship, therefore one should be
equipped to handle disappointment and manage expectations. One of the take always from this study is that
following rejection self-esteem takes a dive and the perception of who one
should be with changes. As such, it would
not be a good idea to seek companionship following an instance of
rejection. For example, if a significant
other decides to call it quits, than the individual being dumped will have greatly
reduced self-esteem and be more likely to sell themselves short when seeking
new relationships. It would seem then
that a better strategy would be to maximize one’s self-esteem when seeking
companionship. Another important take
away is to manage expectations. Being
rejected can lead to a downward spiral where the rejection leads to decreased
self-esteem which may lead to choosing an disappointing partner which will
likely lead to further decreases in self-esteem. Instead, it would be better to be patient and
pursue opportunities that are likely to pan out and to do all that one can to
maximize self-esteem. So in conclusion
it appears that it would be better to focus on their being more fish in the sea
and maximizing one’s fishing gear to snag one of those whoppers than to try try
again when trying might just hurt more than taking a break.
-Dan Miller
Kavanagh, P. S., Robins, S. C., & Ellis, B. J. (2010). The mating
sociometer: A regulatory mechanism for mating aspirations. Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, 99(1), 120-132. doi:10.1037/a0018188
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